Rain Clouds and Rainbows

Something happened to me tonight that I can only explain as a serious work of God's mercy, grace, love, compassion, and forgiveness. The last approximate five days (I lose count of my days in the summer time) have been emotionally wracking for me. And, to be honest, I was on the verge of losing all hope and giving up, quite literally. Never in my life has that emotion been so prominent and insistent in the last five days. I clung to the fact that I would be Skyping with Josh today... that I would be seeing his face and hearing his voice. I knew he would know just what to say to get me to come back to reality and to help me see that I was just stuck in a temporary hole.

I decided to go on a walk to talk with Josh, and the moment my feet hit the path to the forty acres behind my mother's house it was like my emotions became a machine gun. Everything simply just came out all at once, in a million different directions and in a million different ways. I got to a spot relatively half way between one end of the fourty and the other and I stopped. I paced and wound up in the same spot, so I stood. And I rambled and cried about everything. I saw and felt the rain move in and didn't move. I was already wet from tromping through the wet brush, I wasn't about to let some misting rain make me run for cover. So I stood there, in the middle of the fourty, drenched, crying, and rambling because it was the only thing I could do. Josh, the most wonderful man that he is, simply listened to me ramble, cry, and vent everything that I'd been holding back for years and felt like I had no where to go with. I vented about my frustrations with my faith, tribulations with my family, emotions I'd been holding in for years. I vented all my fears and got right down to the nitty gritty, even if it hurt to say it... even if it wasn't something I'd normally admit. Everything literally came out and I just let it continue rolling. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. So I cried and talked in no particular order or fashion.

At one point in the conversation, shortly after the rain had stopped, the sun came out behind me. If I turned around the sky was blue, clear, and sunny. If I looked ahead of me the sky was dark, black, and clouded with rain. And that's when I noticed it. A huge brightly colored rainbow in the midst of the dark clouds and seemingly starting (or ending) in the field's tree line not 500 feet from me. As I kept talking and rambling I felt like God was trying to tell me something. I felt convicted... like He was trying to tell me that I had my back to the sun, the light, happiness, and all He has planned for me but that He was showing me He was still there, even in the black clouds... with that huge bright rainbow. I felt like God was telling me to turn around... to leave all the dark clouds behind and stop turning my back on Him-- the sunshine, the clear blue skies. It was in that moment that I knew that I was lead to the back forty to talk to Josh for a reason. I was soaked and being rained on, completely at rock bottom with nowhere to go. I was exhausted, completely drained, lost, and ready to give up. And suddenly God was there telling me that it was okay to let go. To give it all over. To let HIM take care of everything. He was there telling me that if I just gave it up, really laid it all out, that He'd take it and take care of it so I wouldn't have to. He'd take care of me-- I didn't have to take care of everything anymore. That He'd pull me from my knees and give me something solid to stand on.

And then I voiced it. After Josh told me that he thought I had just found the first step in letting go, I voiced it. In the middle of that field, drenched, sobbing, my emotions completely laid out and vulnerable as I've ever been I said what I've needed to say for years. I was on the phone with Josh but I felt like I was talking to him and God at the same time. There was this undeniable feeling that He was there... listening and waiting. Sobbing I said that tonight I was letting go. That I was completely laying it all out... every hurt, every pain, every lie I've ever had to tell, my every mistake, everything that had ever happened to me... I was laying it all out and letting it all go. I said that if God wanted it all He could have it all. He could have the hurt, the pain, and every emotion that went with all my memories. He could have my every mistake both big and small. I said I didn't want it anymore and if God did then He could have it... He could take it all and take care of it because I was tired of feeling like I was taking care of everything. Because I couldn't do it anymore. Singular simple me couldn't do it anymore. I kept sobbing and saying it over and over... If God wanted it He could have it, I didn't want it anymore. And then suddenly my tears slowed. I didn't feel like crying anymore. At least not in dispair.

A strange peace settled over me even as gray clouds began to move in over the field again and the sun slipped behind them. Whereas I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed with despair, anguish, and exhaustion I felt lighter and something in the back of my head... just the faintest nagging whisper... told me everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay and that things were all going to work out. Continuing to talk with Josh I could hear my voice lift. I sounded more like me again compared to the down troden person that had quite apparently taken over the last few days. I felt more relaxed, less stressed, and more like the person that most people close to me know-- someone who doesn't give up easily and can handle whatever life throws at her.

Josh and I talked for another hour and forty-five minutes after I changed and ate. I still feel relaxed, lighter, and more at peace than I have in a really long time. For some reason I'm not quite sure of, I'm crying as I write this. Maybe because I'm finally and truly letting go and letting God take care of everything. Maybe I'm relieved and comforted. Maybe I'm scared of falling. Maybe I feel like I've given up everything I knew and am not sure who I am anymore because I've let go. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of emotions... going from ready to completely turn on the world to putting my whole entire being into God's hands. If you've never felt it... it's amazing. It's different. It's something that I believe nothing and no one could ever successfully copy. There is no feeling like it. It's intense. And scary. But it's the best kind of scary I've ever felt. And the best kind of exhaustion. Everything from the waste up hurts. But it's a great and relieving hurt. My abs haven't had that much of a workout sobbing and talking at the same time in a while. Nor have my eyes cried that much in a while. My head hurts from crying. My body hurts from crying and talking. But my feet and legs, compared to before when I felt like I could barely stand, feel stronger.

I know things are going to be okay. In fact, they're going to be more than okay. It's going to take some time and there's going to be stumbles along the way. Even I'm not fool enough to believe that there won't be. But it's okay because, in the end and in the long run, it's going to be well worth it all.

I wanted to take the time to share this with you all because it has had such a profound impact on my life so quickly, and I feel that many of you involved who have been there to guide me in the right direction would rejoice in such a wonderful thing. For those of you who don't know Christ... If you're holding on to hurt, pain, memories, any plethora of emotions.... if you're holding on to anything that's holding you back from a wonderful life in and with God please know that you are not alone. That God is ready and waiting to take all the burdens you bear and take care of them for you. He died for you for that reason. All you have to do is lay it all out, lay it all down and give it to Him. He loves you and He's waiting to take whatever ails you from you.

God bless and thanks for reading!!